52/ last sonnet

In the final stages of our move
we are in my backyard by a mushroom
outside the trailer that holds all my things
in possession of other living things.

It is chilly outside and the leaves are changing.
Inside my mother is firing the kiln
and it is warm. We are walking back and forth,
inside to out. Later,

In a Honda we move on the Hutch
back to Brooklyn. All the way to our
apartment and back again through the
night with rain. It is hard to see the lines on the road.

Tomorrow morning we'll take the train
back and our lives will be there.
-Hannah

After one year,
Life has started to recalibrate itself
All that had been shaken up
Is starting to settle

Your traces faded quickly
When you left
Small things: your bike, your broken chin, your ratty hair, the sound of your feet
Remained present even when we moved

From time to time it was fun
To imagine you as an old man
To imagine how you lived your life
For one whole year, I never once saw your room

How did you feel
How could you have felt
-KM

51

One more week!

At the end of the day
There is a car
Driving past lights
We all look ahead

Above the water
Everything rushes by
Sounds change and interrupt
There's always interference

Changes in the light
Refractions
The shapes and colors
Everything changes

The cold air smells damp
My ears ring as doors close
-KM

Every morning at 5:15 AM when I wake up:
wash my face, make tea, get dressed, wear contacts.
Every morning on the train a man with a tool kit
steals entry to stand near me on the platform.

In my classroom sunlight sifts through the blind
creating a pattern of stripes across the tables.
Everyday I tell myself: You can do this.
This is your classroom. Be confident.

It is hard to constantly be making corrections
and to be trying so hard. Sometimes my
anxiety takes over and my stomach feels
hallow. Remember it gets easier?

Here is to another Monday.
We're on the same team.
-Hannah

50

In 2004 we traveled to Philadelphia
to say goodbye to your friend.
Inside a temple where you could stand
up whenever you wanted.

We stayed in a house with tall stacks of papers
and a salon of religious paintings on the walls.
I caught my first cockroach in a shot glass.
I thought it was a cricket.

It was the first time I saw you play
the bass with your old friends in the
old band and Rose gave you a hard time.
And the wife was so happy because

this was all he ever wanted.
He always talked about it.
-Hannah

At what time, what place
Did it sink in;
Did it start to feel
So long

At what point did it change
You always felt so young
You always said
"I'm only twenty-five"

I wish you would have known then
How you would feel now
I wish we could have helped
Yet what's done is done

I wish I could have seen you one last time
-KM

49

As the descent begins
In a sudden sinking panic
Thoughts rush by
Too many to make amends with

The notion of not existing does not cause panic
But that sudden moment
How does it feel for it all to end
Will we know it, will we remember it?

Envisioning real body trauma
I cannot reckon what true pain feels like
I cannot envision the impact
My stomach tightens and turns

I see others thinking the same thoughts as me
With eyes tightly closed, with knuckle turning white
-KM

On a ferry across the river
we talked about trash and
I thought about when I
was a little kid.

We would miss the ferry
at Wood's Hole and go to the
bakery and the thrift shop
that smelled like everyone's closet.

The air smelled only like the ocean
and our car moved across it.
I loved how my hair went wild with
the wind. I'd look out for dogs.

On the other side we would
be there.
-Hannah

48

On autumn nights walking on broken slate sidewalks
Graceland: we planned
Our words, quiet, transformed pools of streetlight
Into Memphis skylines

Through the winter, we talked of it, we longed for it as we ran away from our house
The word took on a different meaning
No longer a place
But a feeling of strength, of sanctity

It grew almost magical
A childish way to look at the world
But I loved it
I'm not even sure where it is Tennessee
After all this time, still I've never looked at it on a map


Graceland: a roadtrip never taken

I still want you to go with me
-KM

In a dusty backyard in Queens there is a dog
named Daisey who sleeps with her head
on a rock and has glazey red eyes.
Around her people are reliving the past

in their mother's halter tops.So,
I didn't go upstate, I stayed here with
you. I ate two deviled eggs and
a hot dog made of tofu.

The whole week pressure of the 1960s
built-up in my back and I couldn't sleep
at night. I wore a brown head scarf tied
in a bow. Daisey was at everyone's feet.

-Hannah

47

There is a long green vein
Meandering just beneath thin skin
On the outside
Of my right thigh

I study its twists and turns
Wondering will it grow weaker?
Will my legs bulge under stress,
Transforming into a topographical map?

I think of mom when I was ten,
She was out in the back
On the second floor I heard her voice
Asking me to call for help

Her mountainous veins had caught a nail
She asked for a bandage, not realizing
Her shoe had already filled with blood
She was hemorhagging

No one answered when I called
I panicked, with shaking hands
I brought her an old towel
My dog licked at the puddle of blood

We piled into the car, nervous, silent
With her leg resting in the passenger seat
She backed the car out of the driveway
We didn't say a word

We picked our sister up from school,
Then we drove to the hospital
Another mother from the school followed us there
She took us to her house and gave us cookies, she didn't say much

Mom rarely ever wore shorts after that
-KM

In the past the balance
has been thrown
like a horse in a western movie,
the kind that just won't quit,

It rained like
we were at the ocean and
following day it was breezy
and cool.

It will come back
and everything
that is important will find its
own place.

Let's get going.
Let's get gone. 
-Hannah

46

A weekend of waking
next to you
to sit at the
breakfast table.

and at the beach
by many others.
In the ocean
there are big waves

Fleshy sea weeds
in your pockets.
We collect sunshine
and then go home.

One night without you
in our room.
-Hannah


3am:
My name stirs
Me from sleep
We must leave now

By 4 blood
Was drawn
Filling three capsules
Lungs tightened

An old woman
Moaned in Catonese
Over and over again
You slept for ten minutes

The sour smell of illness vs. sterility
Clung to our clothes
-KM